May 25, 2024

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Polium One is a Web3 console that will never be released

Polium One is a Web3 console that will never be released

Display of a fantasy console and console, floating in the clouds.

picture: Shumus al-Din / Polium / Kotaku (Getty Images)

Polium One is the answer to a question that no one has asked and will never ask. It is a “next-generation console for web 3 games”. That is to say, a demo on a fictional machine website that I believe will never be produced. I challenge them to prove me wrong.

To be clear from the start, “web3” or “web 3.0” is the umbrella term for a series of transparently common sense tricksFrom cryptocurrency fantasies to the embarrassment of NFTs. It doesn’t really mean anythingAnd if you’ve seen anyone use it, you know it’s headed too far. So yes, Polium One!

Polium, a company so famous that it wasn’t even able to get Twitter handle With just one underscore after the brand name, it announced its intent to create the first console designed for the…for…thing. you know. web3 things. Um, like payments! Yes payments! You can pay for things on it with all kinds of cryptocurrency!

Seriously, that’s all he has. The hilarious website, proposing to launch 2024 for backers, 2025 for hoi polloi, has a FAQ that doesn’t give any answers at all, other than the nonsense payment networks will accept. You, Nocoiner, may want to ask, “What games will be available at launch?” But you’ll just be told, “We’re currently in talks with several game developers.” Meanwhile, a true believer will want to know that you can spend your pretend money across Ethereum, Solana, Polygon, BNB, Imm…

My favorite question in the FAQ is “What are the specs?” And not just for the painstaking effort of not dividing the source. Here is the full answer:

“We aim to build a high-performance console. The specifications you see on the site are not confirmed until we have a functional prototype.”

A high performance one! Where do I preorder?!

As for those “specs” on the site, they are – as far as I know – as follows: 4K Ultra HD, TouchID, 8K HDR, Ray Tracing, up to 120 fps.

Let’s break it down. It’s 4K and 8K, has ray tracing and 120fps on its non-graphic card, and boasts… wholly owned by Apple and not available to outsiders TouchID! Bold claims!

It really doubles down on this TouchID ad, which is Absolutely can not beclaiming that it is also the technology that prevents others from sneaking in and using your console to spend all your cryptocurrency in the image of a monkey.

However, when you want to spend all your cryptocurrency on a monkey, the console will have your back, boasting a “multi-chain wallet for trading, swapping and bridging,” as well as “buying and trading NFTs and in-game items.”

It gets even funnier when you look at Polium’s Medium page, where we learned that “the console will be built by the community.” Eh, huh? Well, you see, “We will receive pre-orders before the console hardware is fully built. This will help us collect and validate customer feedback and ideas.” Ahhh. They will take your money before there is something to make them feel healthier. I understood you.

let’s remember, no one From this exists. It’s a show alongside a series of nonsensical claims, promising a prototype “within a few months”. Nothing indicates a roadmap to victory like “in a little”. But where there’s suddenly a bunch of details, there’s a “clean dashboard” mockup.

Mockup of Polium's dashboard, which will never be around.

picture: Polium

Look at that collection of games! there the other sideThe Bored Ape Yacht Club “metaverse” game that will never appear in full! there decentralizationThe dystopian virtual world of NFTs! there Main streetAn integrated online shopping center! and so on. Every “game” you can imagine running on the system is a huge mess of ways to spend money, requiring you to “plug the wallet” before you can play. It is not accurate. Of course none of these have been confirmed for Polium, as Polium is currently completely fictional.

And we haven’t even touched on how the logo is for the Game Cube, swapping its negative space G for P. Or how the controller is a Dollar Store Dual Sense with the trackpad down.

So how do you buy one? Because God knows you’re desperate now, right? Well, as it happens, you have to spend a bunch of cryptocurrencies on the “pass”. A pass that then allows you to replace it with a console once the thing is not done at all.

But wait there is more! Buy a Polium Pass as soon as the company has the ability to make it happen, and you’ll also get Playables PFP NFT “for free”! That is, a jpeg file for a “retro robot,” and like a lot about this nonsense, Polium “will provide more information later this year.” How will you pay for things? Using ‘PLAY’, a token that Polium will provide more information about later this year.

It’s extraordinary how much information will be available later this year, as if the announcement of its placebo product came as a surprise to Polium Underscore Underscore.

Every section on the site is very funny. Like a “road map”. Oh my God, I love him so much.

so called "road map" For Polium, from "idea" to me "release".

screenshot: Polium / Kotaku

perfect. You have All Financial.

We’ll of course keep you updated on every step of Polium’s development, from the time it starts taking people’s money to its final announcement that it won’t go ahead after all.

If this thing gets fired, I’ll set my head on fire.

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